12-STEPS TO INTIMACY
Being intimate with someone tends to follow a natural pattern and knowing this pattern can help you
understand and control how your intimacy is progressing. Basically, this pattern can be defined in 12
steps, where it should not be rushed to give couple time to build up trust and bond in their
relationship. Couples skipping or rushing the steps (eg. going straight to sex) were more likely to
break up or divorce. These stages represent a progression of physical intimacy which ultimately leads
to a permanent commitment.
1. Eye to body:
A glance reveals a person – sex, size, shape, age, personality, and
status. It determines the level of attraction to each other.
2. Eye to eye:
When the man and woman who are strangers exchange glances, their
most natural reaction is to look away, usually with embarrassment. If their eyes meet
again, they may smile, which signals that they might like to become better acquainted.
3. Voice to voice:
This is an important step in getting to know about each other’s opinions, pastimes,
activities, habits, hobbies, likes, and dislikes. If they’re compatible, they become friends.
4. Hand to hand:
You start holding hands; a sign that the relationship has now become more than
5. Hand to shoulder:
This is the beginning of a closer type of intimacy. It is a
‘friend’-type position in which the man and woman are side by side.
6. Hand to waist:
This is clearly romantic. They are close enough to be sharing secrets or
intimate language with each other.
7. Face to face:
This level of contact involves gazing into one another’s eyes,
hugging, and kissing. If none of the previous steps were omitted, the man and woman
will have developed a special code from experience that enables them to engage in
deep communication with very few words. At this point, sexual desire becomes an
important factor in the relationship.
8. Hand to head:
Here, they tend to cradle or stroke each other’s head while kissing or talking.
9 – 12. The final steps:
The last four levels of involvement are distinctly sexual and
private. They are (9) hand to body, (10a) mouth to breast, (11) touching below the
waist, and (12) intercourse. Obviously, the final acts of physical contact should be
reserved for the marital relationship, since they are progressively sexual and intensely personal.